Venting thread

[Raphael]

Oh, how I "love" those evenings when I'm basically falling asleep before I've even gone to bed, and then I've finished my chores and my dinner, and I can finally go to bed, and then, I've suddenly got trouble falling and staying asleep.

[Moose-tache]

Our friend has tested positive, so now my partner and I are on mandatory 2-week quarantine. Everyone we know is also on quarantine, so we're left begging the grocery store to deliver our groceries. We're going to miss the beginning of the school year, and probably also kill each other. Oh, and I have nothing to do but read the news during the "American Hundred Days" as we'll probably end up calling it.

When does this condemned carnival ride stop?

[Ryusenshi]

Oh, how I "love" those evenings when I'm basically falling asleep before I've even gone to bed, and then I've finished my chores and my dinner, and I can finally go to bed, and then, I've suddenly got trouble falling and staying asleep.

I'm in this photo and I don't like it.

[Ares Land]

Oh, how I "love" those evenings when I'm basically falling asleep before I've even gone to bed, and then I've finished my chores and my dinner, and I can finally go to bed, and then, I've suddenly got trouble falling and staying asleep.

I'm in this photo and I don't like it.

Same here. I guess being stuck at home isn't terribly good for sleep.

[Rounin Ryuuji]

I seem to now fall asleep sometime around seven or eight in the evening, and wake up in the very early morning. It is most irksome. I woke up around two today, and so have nothing better to do than type novels about Southern social problems on the Internet as my thoughts drift to and from inflectional paradigms. Life is now a very strange thing.

[Raphael]

Good Luck, Moose-tache!

[Moose-tache]

Good Luck, Moose-tache!

Same to you! I also have trouble getting to sleep at night. I find that a good ritual (tea that's mostly milk, book, special pillow) works best.

[Raphael]

Thank you!

[Man in Space]

My OCD seems to be coming back in grand fashion. Days like these will happen. I just hope it’s the OCD and not something with more gravitas.

[Rounin Ryuuji]

My OCD seems to be coming back in grand fashion. Days like these will happen. I just hope it’s the OCD and not something with more gravitas.

I hope you're all right again soon.

[KathTheDragon]

I found out the other day that one of my friends is suffering from late-stage kidney failure, and could die from it pretty much at any time. And they've been living with this as long as I've known them.

[dɮ the phoneme]

My OCD seems to be coming back in grand fashion. Days like these will happen. I just hope it’s the OCD and not something with more gravitas.

As someone with OCD myself, I feel for you and hope you're alright.

[malloc]

Just signed up for Paypal so I could help someone with some financial issues. But now I am worried about this giving hackers another way to ruin my life. From here on out, I must check more stuff regularly to make sure nobody stole my identity or hacked my accounts. Quite a minor problem in the grand scheme of things, but still.

[kodé]

My OCD seems to be coming back in grand fashion. Days like these will happen. I just hope it’s the OCD and not something with more gravitas.

As someone with OCD myself, I feel for you and hope you're alright.

Thirded. I’m glad my OCD hasn’t flared up in a good long time. But I’m sad that I’m fairly sure I’ve passed it on to my child.

[Rounin Ryuuji]

It's interesting to see the recurring traits in the community. I hope you're all still all right. I do have my own issues, too, but, to my knowledge, OCD is not one of them.

[rotting bones]

People with real problems: Be well. Please take care of yourself.

Minor vent: I didn't get much sleep last night.

[Linguoboy]

Argh, I did what I've been trying so hard to do and snapped at my flatmate.

I knew I was repressing too much and that we were overdue for a conversation about balancing needs but I kept telling myself I was waiting until he was ready. He came out of such a negative living situation that my primary objective for the first six months at least was to make sure he felt at home here. I guess I kind of hoped that as his comfort level increased we would organically begin dealing with what we needed to. (We've done some negotiation, of course, but I try to keep it light.) And there was a glimmer of that happening the last time we butted heads over the dishwasher when he proposed having a conversation about "humouring" each other's preferences.

But I gave it a week and the conversation never happened. Then yesterday evening he came up to the kitchen to cook something as I was finishing up work and I started burbling to him about my day. I could tell he wasn't super into it, but I figure the least he can do, living here rent-free, is to humour me for fifteen minutes or so a day. However, after ten he said, "You don't have to talk to me just because I'm here." I felt like a complete ass. I was so put out, in fact, I just went to my bedroom and sulked, avoiding him for the rest of the day (which isn't hard since most of the time he retreats to his room like a troll).

Today he came up to unload his dishes right as I was sitting down to eat lunch. All my prep was still scattered over the counters so I jumped up to tidy but he was like, "You don't have to do that." And I was so annoyed at being interrupted that I dropped the filter and said, "If I don't, you'll put it where you think it goes, I've learned my lesson about that." He just finished up what he was doing as quickly as he could and then it was his turn to disappear to his room without saying another word.

He's so worried about annoying me that he ends up being even more annoying. And I'm so worried about making him feel bad that I make him feel worse. It's like a horrible inversion of "The Gift of the Magi".

[Vijay]

How long have you been living together so far? How do you think he feels about living with you? Do you think he might feel comfortable on some level? If he didn't, why would he stay?

[Rounin Ryuuji]

Argh, I did what I've been trying so hard to do and snapped at my flatmate.

Human beings do this from time to time. Forgive yourself.

I knew I was repressing too much and that we were overdue for a conversation about balancing needs but I kept telling myself I was waiting until he was ready. He came out of such a negative living situation that my primary objective for the first six months at least was to make sure he felt at home here.

This is very good of you — I cannot stress this enough. I've been in multiple similar situations (but am not in one now, and have not been for some time, mercifully), and it's very difficult to come out of the mindset (depending on what it is). He's likely full of anxiety, and it's good you know. It... unfortunately takes a long time, and it's easy to set off the feelings again...

I guess I kind of hoped that as his comfort level increased we would organically begin dealing with what we needed to. (We've done some negotiation, of course, but I try to keep it light.) And there was a glimmer of that happening the last time we butted heads over the dishwasher when he proposed having a conversation about "humouring" each other's preferences.

You probably aren't wrong, the time it can take for him to recover and settle will probably just be...

But I gave it a week and the conversation never happened.

...longer than this. Possibly significantly.

Then yesterday evening he came up to the kitchen to cook something as I was finishing up work and I started burbling to him about my day. I could tell he wasn't super into it, but I figure the least he can do, living here rent-free, is to humour me for fifteen minutes or so a day. However, after ten he said, "You don't have to talk to me just because I'm here."

When I (and other people I know) have had reactions like that, it was typically because there was something weighing on them that they were still processing, making social interacting extremely difficult. You could not have known this was going on, however. He might also have been genuinely mistaken and thought you were making small talk, and so was attempting to relieve you of something burdensome.

I felt like a complete ass. I was so put out, in fact, I just went to my bedroom and sulked, avoiding him for the rest of the day (which isn't hard since most of the time he retreats to his room like a troll).

Your emotions are also fair. Because you could not have known, and you feel like what you're doing ought to help him to be better inside (though admittedly the lines above do feel ever so slightly entitled, I suspect this is just an accident of phrasing rather than anything malicious), and it probably will, simply not as quickly as you (or he) would want.

Today he came up to unload his dishes right as I was sitting down to eat lunch. All my prep was still scattered over the counters so I jumped up to tidy but he was like, "You don't have to do that." And I was so annoyed at being interrupted that I dropped the filter and said, "If I don't, you'll put it where you think it goes, I've learned my lesson about that." He just finished up what he was doing as quickly as he could and then it was his turn to disappear to his room without saying another word.

He's so worried about annoying me that he ends up being even more annoying. And I'm so worried about making him feel bad that I make him feel worse. It's like a horrible inversion of "The Gift of the Magi".

He's probably in some sort of state of shock or terror. I am, of course, projecting my own experiences of something similar having happened (where a bad situation conditioned me to believe nearly anything could be an attack, or that somebody would be deeply hurt by some minor annoyance; if what's happened to him were similar enough, he might actually have a case of borderline PTSD, or at least some signs of it, which, in my personal experience, may present as irrational or avoidant behaviours).

The probably best course of action is to wait for things to cool off a bit, then ease him into a conversation about whatever's irking you (it seems connected to where he puts things). He might not be able to psychologically bear too much unloading for now; having just emerged from negativity, more of it probably won't help him (even if it's minor). He also sounds like he's in an economically and socially precarious position, and the world (at least the part of it in which I live) is not in a good state for him to get out of that (I don't know the exact situation where the two of you are, however), so I imagine he feels both vulnerable, and like a burden. All this anxiety is, unfortunately, a massive cognitive impediment.

Of course, this is all extrapolation from my own experiences. I'm not a psychologist or any sort of medical professional. It sounds like he's in a better place than he was before. That's good. You're doing a good thing, but you're only human, and so is he. After a bit of time to breathe, I think you're going to be able to (very gently, by degrees) work things out.

[Linguoboy]

This was really just a vent. I wasn't expecting such a detailed answer, but I appreciate it all the same.

He might not be able to psychologically bear too much unloading for now; having just emerged from negativity, more of it probably won't help him (even if it's minor). He also sounds like he's in an economically and socially precarious position, and the world (at least the part of it in which I live) is not in a good state for him to get out of that (I don't know the exact situation where the two of you are, however), so I imagine he feels both vulnerable, and like a burden. All this anxiety is, unfortunately, a massive cognitive impediment.

This is a big part of it, of course. He's very independent-minded and if he could afford his own apartment, he'd have his own apartment. He is actively looking for work but he's not willing to accept just anything and I support that, because as much as looking for work sucks, it sucks even more when you're exhausted from a soul-killing job with a hellish commute or a terrible boss. I've reassured him repeatedly that I'd be paying for utilities for this big old place whether I had someone else here or not so I'd just as soon someone else benefitted.

Besides, I genuinely enjoy having someone else in the house with me now. One of the greatest burdens after my husband died was the realisation that everything was now ultimately my responsibility--and I suck at maintenance or scheduling anything. He's much handier than me and has managed to fixed a lot of small plumbing problems. Plus he drives and I don't and having access to a car during the pandemic has been hugely valuable. I try to affirm often how good it is to have him around. I actually wouldn't mind if he stayed even after the lockdown is over and he's making decent money again.

But for the time being, there's no getting around the vast difference in our situations. While his savings dwindle, my retirement accounts keep swelling (guess those mutual funds hold a lot of Amazon stock). I'm very conscious of this and try to avoid doing or saying anything that highlights it. On the other hand, this is ultimately my house and I though I don't mind some negotiation I feel like there are ultimately times when I should be able to say "This is how I want this done" and not entertain further questions. (Moreover, negotiation is always fraught because I feel like I've got to work at creating a safe psychological space for him while at the same time forcefully representing my own position--he's as stubborn and opinionated as I am!--and that's exhausting.)

We both apologised for yesterday's run-in and got past it, but right afterwards I discovered that he'd taken the piles I'd sorted my mail into and combined them all into one because the clutter was getting to him which is exactly the kind of thing I got annoyed with him for in the kitchen. I was able to say something about it, however, and we're working on a solution. So progress.